About Me

I'm a married knitter, crocheter, and newbie spinner living in the Maryland suburbs with my photographer- computer geek hubby, 3 cats, and 3 dogs. And yarn. A LOT of yarn. Just ask my hubby.

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It’s My Birthday.

Today, I am 35 years old.  I had a whole post of “On this day in history” stuff I pulled from Wikipedia, but I’m feeling a little more introspective than that.  I’ll post it at the end, though, as a reward for those who get through this.  🙂  I’ll warn you, this is going to get long and personal, so feel free to skip to the Wikipedia stuff at the end.

This little video trip down memory lane this week has stirred up some things in my mind (You’ve gotten clips – I’ve watched significant portions of shows.  Including some you haven’t seen yet, and some you won’t.)  (Nothing embarassing, just non-musicals that are harder to “clip”.).  A combination of that and hitting a “milestone” birthday (i.e. one ending in a “0” or, in my case, “5”) has made me think about a lot of things from my past.  I’ve been looking up old friends on Facebook.  Yes, I’ve been sucked in.  I don’t hang out there much, and I don’t do the whole “Send X to Y” thing, but I do like to see what people are up to.

Out of curiosity, I looked up The Name.  The Unfinished Business.  The High School Boyfriend.  Bob was a year ahead of me, and we dated from my sophomore year until the middle of my junior year.  He was my first great love.  My parents adored him, I loved his parents.  My friends loved him, everyone thought we were perfect together.  We were inseparable.  Until.

Until I realized that I was 16 years old, and I just wasn’t sure I was ok with everyone around us deciding that we would be married after college.

Until I realized that I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life, let alone who I wanted to spend it with.

Until I panicked.

Until I broke up with him.

I’ll admit, I handled it badly.  Really, really badly.  How badly?  See above re: I was 16.  I told him I wanted to break up, and he asked me to give it another shot.  Try it for a couple of weeks.  I agreed.  I realized a couple of days later that it was a mistake.  I told him I was done.  He was PISSED.  And hurt, I’m sure.  I can’t blame him – I really f’ed it up.

It was bad enough that I broke up with him.  (Hell, I had people I barely knew telling me I was an idiot.)  But then, I made the critical mistake.  I started seeing someone else.  Someone I had been friends with while I was still dating Bob.  But because it was close to the end of the school year and Bob was about to graduate, Mike and I decided it would be easiest to keep it quiet.  Because, you know, things like that NEVER come to light in high school.  So, of course, word got out.  And EVERYone was sure that we had been fooling around behind Bob’s back.  I was a pariah.  People I’d been friends with for years wouldn’t speak to me.  (It didn’t help that Mike had briefly dated my best friend earlier that year.  Even though she had broken up with him, crossing that line wasn’t really cool.)

I never wanted to hurt Bob, and in trying to avoid it, I made things worse, over and over again.  I was an idiot.  (I know, I know.  16.)  I went to graduation that year to see another friend of mine, and I ran into Bob and another friend afterward.  I tried to congratulate him, and he just said “No.  Just… NO,” and walked away.

My senior year kind of sucked.  I was still pretty much a pariah.  I knew a couple of people who were still in touch with Bob.  In study hall one day, one of them mentioned him.  I asked how he was doing, and Rick said, “Well, he’s finally stopped twitching if someone mentions you.”  I half-laughed, until he looked at me, and I realized he was serious.

I moved away from home after college, but my folks lived there until after Kris and I got married and still keep in touch with a lot of friends in the area.  They knew people who knew Bob, and one day Mom told me that friends had mentioned that his name had been in the paper – he had gotten married.  I was happy for him, and I still am.  Every once in a while, I’ll get nostalgic and start Googling names.  His always ends up on the list of names I check.  It’s not at all that I’m still in love with him, because I’m not, although I do still care for him, and want the best for him.

So, this week.  I’ve been on Facebook, and I even reconnected with an old theatre friend (she with the antennae from the “Gypsy” clip, actually).  So, out of curiosity, I searched his name.  He’s there.  He’s not in Pittsburgh any more – he actually lives not far from some friends of ours.  For a brief, brief moment, I considered clicking on “Add as friend”, but I didn’t.  Part of me would love nothing more than to get in touch with him and find out that he had forgiven me for being, essentially, a 16-year-old girl, but I’m not willing to take that risk, even 18 years after everything happened.  I did find out via Google that he has a blog.  I read a couple of entries, and it’s so him.  Smart, funny, quirky.  And from what I can tell, happy.  So, I think I’m going to let sleeping dogs lie.

But I will do this.  I am sending, out into the universe, my apology:  Bob, I am sorry that I treated you so badly, and that I hurt you so deeply.  I hope that you have moved beyond that hurt, and that your wife loves you the way you deserve to be loved.  The way I couldn’t all those years ago, when I was young, and stupid.  I’m thirty-five now, and I know how dumb I was.  If I could go back in time and talk to me at 16, I wouldn’t tell her to stay with you, because I know I am meant to be with Kris, but I would tell her to respect you enough to be honest and up-front with you.  I wish you nothing but peace and happiness in your life.

And now, for the two of you who are still reading… the Wikipedia list of “On this day in history”. This is just the highlights, though. You can see the whole list here.

Events

Births

Deaths

Holidays and observances

And 35 years ago, I was born.  Although that hasn’t made it to Wiki.  😀

So, happy birthday to me!  Dinner tonight with Kris at the Melting Pot, and then a quiet night at home with the love of my life.  Sounds like a good birthday to me.

39 comments to It’s My Birthday.

  • Hope your birthday was nice! 🙂

  • Happy Birthday, hope it’s filled with much yarn and chocolate!!!

  • Yorkie

    Happy Birthday, lovey…and yes, sleeping dogs do indeed need to lie but only if you can let them.

    If it were me, after all this time it’s still bugging me, I’d send him a note saying those above things, the stuff about forgiveness. Believe me, Pam, life doesn’t offer second chances too often, and it is well and truly short. Drop him a line saying the I’m sorry thing, then put your dogs to bed. I would, but that’s just my opinion. You do what gives you the most peace.

  • Happy Birthday, my fellow 35er!

    I do a similar search every once in a while on the one who got away – I’m with you, I wouldn’t change a thing about how my life worked out, but I like to know that he is doing okay. 🙂

  • Again – happy birthday!

    I still (obviously) am in contact with Sean, who took up the first two years of college, but Marc was the second two and part of college. I’ve googled him, and got back in contact with him a few months ago over MySpace, actually. We’ve emailed a bit. It’s nice, and he’s doing well, too – that makes me feel better. It wasn’t the smoothest of breakups (either time) – he needed more from me than I was willing to give.

    The closure for me comes from just knowing he’s happy – much like it sounds like Bob is. That’s the important thing. 🙂

  • Happy Birthday Pam!!

    I’d also drop him a line to say sorry, but that’s just me. I am still in touch with the one that broke MY heart. He emails every so often, but for the most part, we talk thru his sister…as she’s one of my best friends. 🙂

  • Happy Birthday Pam!

    I’m right there with you with the searches – finding people and resisting that ‘Add’ button, and in a milestone year to boot.

  • Happy birthday.

    {{hugs}} you’ve put it out into the universe that you foofed up when young and you’re sorry – I think that’s good now it has closure.

    Have a great day.

  • Happy birthday lady!
    I hope the day is filled with all your favorite things.

  • whichendisup

    Happity Bday!! Pesky memories, always manage to stop and make you think every once in awhile. Funny, I’ve had my memory jogged by your sharing. I recently found my Bob (kinda, sorta) and he seems very happy too. It’s nice how it works out sometimes.

  • Happy birthday! Hope you have a spectacular day!

    I do the same thing with exes… I have yet to appologize to mine for stupid mistakes but you have definitely given me the courage to.

  • Happy Birthday! Enjoy life!

  • HAPPY BIRTHDAY CRAFTY SISTER! You’ll get your gift at SAFF. I can’t wait to see you! I hope you have a wonderful day!

  • Happy Birthday! Looking forward to seeing you again at SAFF.

  • Happy Birthday!

    I’m going to swim against the stream and say don’t contact Bob…mom always told me not to pick scabs.

  • Have a wonderful birthday! You have much better “celebrity” birthdays than I do, although I found some new ones on Wikipedia. I’ve never done that before! 🙂

    I google people too. The one I always google and have never found was my best bud until he and his family moved to New Jersey the summer after second grade. Maybe someday, I’ll find him (not a love interest, obviously, but that doesn’t mean I’m not curious!) HIPPO BIRDIE TWO EWE! 🙂

  • Happy Birthday! You are meant to be with the one your with! Thats my turn at waxing poetic! Enjoy your birthday, and enjoy your life!

  • Hope you have a good one! Cool compatriots on Wiki, I find those interesting.

    The universe accepts your apology to Bob; I hope that gives you closure.

    Wendy

  • Happy, happy birthday!! It’s so cool that you share a birthday with Jim Henson.

    It hard when we look back and see how we could have made things better (for ourselves and others). Being 16 was no picnic but in all honesty, its part of what makes us who we are. And you, are a great 35-year-old so even if things could have been better, think of what you learned from that experience. I’m sure Bob forgave you ages ago, once he figured out himself that you guys were just behaving the way teenagers do.

    Big hugs & enjoy Melting Pot with your honey!

  • Sunnyknitter

    Happy birthday! One of my favorite quotes is John Lennon’s, “I never regret the things I’ve done. I only regret the things I haven’t done.” Sure, there’s things I might do differently, but then I wouldn’t be where I am and while it’s been a wild ride at times, it’s my ride. You did what was right for you at the time. Smile, remember the happiness and move on to enjoy the year ahead. Bob became the person he is because of all of life’s experiences and he probably thinks fondly of you too. Hope you have a great day and a lovely dinner and get lots of pleasant surprises!

  • Happy, happy birthday, chica.

    You can’t change the past, but you learned from it. Methinks that’s the better end of the deal, and one far few people ever do.

    Hug your sweetie, enjoy your night out, and pass the joy along.

  • Magatha

    Happy Birthday Beautiful! I love that introspective stuff. It helps us make sense of it all. For years and years, I felt bad (mourned my decision really) about breaking up with my first real boyfriend the way I did. I didn’t figure it all out until the 20th high school reunion when I saw him and his wife: he bores the snot outta me and I am so not attracted to him. Later, reading my diary of the time when we dated, I discovered I felt that way about him back in the day too. I was attracted to the attention he gave me, the love. I wrote him a letter apologizing for being an insensitive heartbreaker and thanking him for showing me what love is, but I never heard back. I did not expect to. His wife might have thrown it in the trash. 🙂
    Have a wonderful day! You’re only a sweet young thing of 35 once, so live it up!!!

  • Happy Birthday Darling!

  • Happy Birthday!! See you soon too!!

  • OH C’MON!!!! Two of us?!? We ALLLLLLLL love you here and will read every word you write.

    Yes… 16. *sigh* I’ve hurt A LOT of people back then. Maybe even you at one point or another. Or “and another” is more like it. Why are we so stupid when we’re young? Heck, what am I saying… I’m still stupid at times. 🙂

    It’s great that you’re putting it out there for forgiveness. I so respect that. 🙂 It’s healing in ever way. Maybe you do need to connect with him at some point. Remember, what you put out there is healing for you… what he choses to do with it, accept it whatever… is his choice and for him. But at least you’re doing the work to heal yourself. That’s my humble opinion.

    and of course, last but not least… Happy Birthday!!! (35 is awesome… so far at least.)
    Happy Birthday to my favorite hottie little hussy friend out there! Enjoy!!!

    and I hope you add me as a friend to facebook… 😉

    I LOVE YOU!

  • Happy Birthday Sweetie! We all have those stories I think, but birthdays sure do bring them to light, don’t they?

  • You never know, maybe Bob will come across your blog someday and read your apology. Happy birthday!!

  • Jo

    Happy Birthday, you wonderful person!

    (And I think we are all forgiven out indiscretions at age 16.)

  • Happy, happy day! You’re probably at the MP now, deep into some guyere..

  • Um, yum, that’s gruyere…

  • Nessa

    Happy birthday! (and I agree with Jo, and if it isn’t true, we are all in trouble)

  • And I am the 35th Happy Berfday well wisher LOL
    I totally can relate to the “When I was 16” flashback… the love of my life at 16 is in Iraq right now & I hope he comes home safely to his wife & kids.

    *BIG HUGS*

    I hope you get everything you wish for & more – much love,
    Anne

  • kstiirken

    Happy Birthday, Darling!

    A smart comment from me about you changing your clothes in front of a packed auditorium? As I recall, your mother called ME the brazen hussy! Just remember, if you whip out embarrassing video clips, I’ll be forced to digitize “The Wind Beneath My Wings” for posterity. No one really wants that.

    For what it’s worth, your 35-y-o instincts are right on…do not poke the sleeping kitty.

    Love ya!

  • HAPPY BIRTHDAY HON!!!!

    We all do things like that when we’re young. You are wise to let sleeping dogs lie, and I love that you’ve instead put the apology into the universe. He’ll sense it. 🙂 And hey, for all we know, if all that hadn’t happened back then, he might not have met his wife now! Everything that happens in our lives leads us to where we’re supposed to be. 🙂

  • Happy belated sweetie!
    I haven’t contacted (and never will) the “one who got away” — I don’t need the drama. I’m happy and Derek is the man for me. B. was a messy chapter of my life that has been over for many years now, thank gourds. Still, I do read his blog every few months. I sometimes wonder whether he reads mine. He’s being posted to a war zone shortly. I hope he makes it safely home to his wife and two kids.

  • Awww, happy belated birthday!

    Who knows? Maybe Bob has looked YOU up, and found YOUR blog, and has already read this and forgives you, but is too shy to say anything.